What I Haven't Been Saying Out Loud

The story I'm currently living out is not quite the story I envisioned for myself. I know that to be true, hundo p.

If you had asked me five years ago where I thought my life would be now, I would have told you I wanted to be rocking a fancy journalism internship, writing words to change the world. And maybe I would have said I wanted to be doing some community theatre acting on the side. That's what I would have said out loud - but inside, I'd be thinking, "Oh and I'll probably have met Prince Charming by then, we'll be engaged and planning out this beautiful, adventurous life."

If you had asked me three years ago where I thought my life would be now, I would have told you I had no idea. I would have said I wanted to do a non-profit management certificate alongside my journalism degree, but I felt meh about the idea. I would have said I wanted to spend a year in Honduras, but I was also thinking, "That's probably not possible." I would have said I'm researching different options, but I wanted to be graduated. I knew that for sure. That's what I would have said out loud - but inside, I'd be thinking, "I hate journalism, but by then, I'll for sure meet Prince Charming by then. We may not be engaged but that's okay - we'll still have a beautiful, adventurous life that somehow involves helping people."

Okay, for sure probably wouldn't have been said in this context because that's a recent vocabulary development, but bear with me.

If you had asked me six months ago where I thought my life would be now, I'd say, "I think I have options." I'd talk about my passion for Hamilton, I'd chat about discoveries of positions in BC, I'd talk about my love for Ryerson and the community its becoming, and I'd chat your ear off about Honduras. I'd tell you all about how I want to graduate in 2015, just like my original plan. I'd tell you that I'd think I'd be in a place where I've learned how to balance and not put too much on my plate. That's what I would have said out loud - but inside, I'd be thinking, "I have no idea what's going to happen, but this boy looks an awful lot like Prince Charming. That engagement thing might happen, and this beautiful, adventurous life we have going is rather swell."

But right now, I am writing essays I have procrastinated on. I am researching random things about student life, because I'm passionate about student life now and I didn't know that would happen six years ago. There's no journalism internship or year spent volunteering abroad. I am wearing glasses on a regular basis for the first time since Grade 8. I have my hands in a number of exciting projects. I think I just killed a fly with my bare hands. I have given up Coca Cola again, I am regularly going to the gym (wait, three days in a row counts as regularly going to the gym, right?!), I am going to graduate in 2016 (I hope), I have the greatest family in the world, and I am learning to like yogurt. There's no Prince Charming in my life. This is my current life story. And none of this is anything I could have ever predicted.

This week, I had a moment where I knew God has placed me exactly where I need to be. I think He knew I needed to be at Ryerson - long before I knew I needed to be there. But it was a little bit of a temper tantrum moment, because I thought, "I know you placed me here, but this is not what I wanted. This is not where I want to be."

I've started to say it out loud to people: I thought I would be one of them by now. I thought I would have met my one by now. I thought I'd have a ring on it by now, and if not by now, something would be in the cards. It's stupid. I know it's stupid. I know it's a stupid, selfish thing.

I am incredibly grateful for where my life is right now, and I love my current life with every piece of me. But I can't say I wouldn't change a thing, because I would change a pretty hefty piece of my life. It's just all different than I thought it would be, and I haven't been saying that out loud. But it's different.

I just didn't think it would turn out quite like this.