Open letter musings on anger at God over being in a season you need, rather than the season you want to be in. This post was a loooonnnngggg time coming. Dear Hannah,
Okay, I get it. You're mad at God. You've been thinking it far too long and casually dropping it into conversation, so let's just say it like it is: you are mad at God. You've been mad for a long time - and in classic Hannah fashion, you're lashing out by giving him the cold shoulder. Super mature. But maybe, it's time to let it go.
Not maybe. It is time.
Here's the thing: I understand your life is not quite turning out the way you pictured it. I have been here as you try to grasp how to deal with a new reality, when you bought life would be different by now. I remember the devastated sobs, the silent musings, the way your jaw clenched with anger when you realized this is exactly where God needs you to be, but you don't want to be here anymore. I know it all. Been there. Done that. I've got the t-shirt & souvenir photo from the emotional roller coaster.
I also know that instead of doing what you've normally done - which is say you're waiting on God to show and tell you what's next, but really taking plans into your own hands - you've just cut God out of the equation completely. You threw a temper tantrum, and with tears streaming down your face, you decided God now needed to stay an arms length away & if He could cut out the input in your life, that would also be swell. You went to take your life into your own hands.
And then, you just got stuck. Like a vehicle stuck in mud, you spun your wheels to try to move on your own, and just dug yourself deeper in. You're so stubborn, and you're refusing to ask for help, but you are stuck.
I want to clarify what I mean by this, because I don't want to insinuate that you are stuck because you are single or because you aren't graduating or because your life looks differently than where others are. You are stuck because you have spent a very long time isolating yourself. You are stuck because you just refused to grow. You are stuck because you refused to move. You pretended little things would grow you as a person, but your heart isn't any different because you deleted Facebook. Eating yogurt does not move you closer to Jesus.
You are stuck because you are in a season God needs you to be in, and you are stubbornly not moving in this season because you desperately don't want this season. In an ideal life, you would have avoided it completely.
Hannah, a little reminder: nobody really wants plain white socks. The Roots cabin socks are warmer and cooler and comfier. But you need the plain white socks for practical things. I really don't want to quote, "You can't have the rainbow without a little rain" but - there are things we need to develop in order to get to the things we want.
And I'm pretty sure Jesus needs you to develop some things. Patience & forgiveness are two things coming to mind... Your favourite bible verse is "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and. It to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." No where in there does God say, "all my plans are the exact same things you want! No need for you to develop! How convenient is that?!"
You are mad at God because you got a season you needed, instead of the season you wanted. You got a season of development and growth, a season that's a little bit harder to handle, a season of learning and reflecting. A season to teach you about a new kind of love & a season to explore community relationships.
I know you didn't want this season. I know you wanted to travel a familiar road. I know you've been numbing it all because you wanted a new, fresh season. I know you don't think you need to learn or develop anything in this season. Oh Hannah, I know I know I know. You are struggling hard between being where God has placed you & where you want to be.
Maybe God's teaching you patience. Maybe you need to learn to genuinely love yourself, with all the outside voices defining your worth. Maybe it's just God whispering, "Not now. Not quite yet." Maybe God is teaching you to shut up and listen. Maybe it's a lesson about patterns of thought, & maybe he's got an incredible life revelation waiting for you at the end of it. It's just all speculation and maybes because I don't know why you're here. I really don't.
But I do know you'll never find out if you remain bitterly stuck, stubbornly refusing to move; if you remain petrified of what this season may hold. You have to let go of the anger you've allowed to build up inside you, ask for help, and move out of turnout.
So here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to remember.
You're going to stop protecting your heart from Jesus & dare to open it up like I know you can.
You're going to write down a bunch of those fears you have - particularly the ones you have about how others see you & about feeling not quite good enough - and you are going to face them.
You're going to drink tea and water and probably coffee. But focus on water because you feel better when you drink that.
In 2015, you're going to focus on growth. In relationships, in the length of your hair, in the depth of your love.
You're going to stop trying to avoid seasons, because no matter how much you hate winter, it's going to come around.
And you are going to MOVE. You will no longer be stuck. You will move with your whole heart and a little help, of course.
You will make it through this, Hannah. This is just a season. This too shall pass. So let go of the anger & move into this new season. (And bring some Christmas lights because winter is a dark season.)
Peace out, H-Town.